the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
