My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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