You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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