Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
