Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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