Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize