I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I need to calm my uterus...
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
