I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
