i would punch a child for taco bell
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
