I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
