"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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