My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
