The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My vagina just recognized that song.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize