I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
