why didn't you poke me back
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
