oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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