I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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