You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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