god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
