Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
