if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
