apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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