The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
