also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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