I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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