This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
