Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
