i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
