The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Too much gin, very little bucket
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
