apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
