so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
