I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
