im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
