I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
