he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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