I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
