Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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