I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
