you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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