You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
