mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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