I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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