Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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