this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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