I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
