i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
