your parents love me but you hate me
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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