weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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