the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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