I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
