So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize