why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You are a genius and a whore.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
