guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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