weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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