I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i think my mom watched the whole time
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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