as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
